Tags: just ranting here don't mind me

kitty, pretty, happy

Sigh... Sometimes I just suck at handling things...

I figure it's better to talk about this than just let it build up... And that's one thing that my LJ is for anyway, right? Ranting to no one in particular. It's not like anyone's forced to read this.

I am depressed. I'm depressed because I'm angry. I'm angry because I'm jealous... Sigh. I hate depression...

So, lately, what I've wanted to do mostly is talk. Just... talk to people I know and enjoy conversation. The RTSing was done between talking or when I felt like it, but mostly, I wanted to talk. For the most part, I've been able to do this, though, sometimes, I haven't, which adds to my depress-o-meter.

Now, I have Four main ways to converse: Real life, AIM, WoW, and IRC. Real life I don't talk to people a lot in since I'm an introvert and really am only social on Friday (and haven't been for the last 3 weeks for various reasons). AIM is kind of... suckish for me since most of the people on my buddy list are people I don't talk to often (or at all). Really, the two main people I talk to on AIM are Chibi and Guin. Chibi and I sometimes talk on AIM when no one else is on or we're talking about stuff that doesn't concern others (such as FlyFF or what not), but we usually talk in IRC. Guin and I talk on AIM when one of us has something to say to the other (or GUin is just checking up on me), but we rarely have prolonged conversations unless I'm depressed and just need someone to talk to. This is because Guin often has other things he's doing (I wish I could multi task like he can >_> Or Chibi can for that matter.) and I rarely have anything interesting to say, so the conversation just kind of dies shortly after it begins. WoW I'm taking a break from, so nothing to say there.

That leaves IRC. Now, I've only really been in 6 chat rooms (exlcuding one where I first learned to use IRC that I'm not counting). One of which I never felt comfortable in, one of which is either gone or simply not used any more, one of which is for a community that's kind of dead now and I haven't been in for awhile, one of which I don't enjoy being in anymore, one of which is mostly silent, and the one I'm most active in. Of course, sometimes, this room isn't fun for me to be in as the other denizens are all apart of a game I'm not a part of and talk about the game in there often. Yes, this still bugs me, though I'm definately handling it much better than I have been. Instead of just being frustrated, I try to be supportive and stuff when I get the opportunity, but the fact remains I'm still left out of the main discussion. Sometimes I try to attention whore my way in (I won't deny it! I am aware I'm an attention whore, though I do think I'm getting better at detecting it and avoiding it), and sometimes I just mention things that I think they might find interesting that I don't think is being attention whorey (I may be wrong, it's hard to determine your own motives sometimes). Today I think I was doing the attention whore bit as I kept mentioning the DM thing and that I was writing and had creative flood and OH MY GOOD LOOK AT ME I'M BEING CREATIVE >_> Yeah, like I said, I'm not always good about it.

Anyway, today, the three have been doing a lot of RS stuff and, well, like I said, it bugs me a bit. While I was writing, though, it wasn't bugging me too much as I was preoccupied, but the flood has subsided and now I'm feeling creatively DRAINED, so the RS stuff kind of just really got to me and I got jealous (NOT IN CHANNEL! No... I managed to restrain myself since I wasn't that jealous =\ I think). Now, I think I've determined the thing in the universe I hate the most, which is me being jealous. I hate it. I hate being jealous A LOT. So I got angry. And yeah, I got angry at IRC. FORTUNATELY, I was rational enough to not blow up in there again (I hate blowing up too, by the way =\) and I just minimized IRC so I don't have too look at it. But now I'm depressed because I'm not doing anything productive or talking to anyone or anything.

Sigh, I hate this... I want it to be Tuesday already since I want to KNOW about the RSAD thing. Do I have it? DO I not? Can it be fixed? I want to know!

ANYWAY! Going back to IRC, I think that, despite RS being a huge source of jealousy in me, I don't want the talk to stop until they're ready to stop (I'm speaking both long term and short term). I think that it's a good experience for me to deal with since I'm really not all that great at dealing with jealousy and this is good practice, you know? And I think I'm actually handling it well most of the time. Sure, there will be times when I can't handle it, like today, but I still think that for the most part, it's a good experience for me. I'm looking forward to the day when the RS talk does NOT bother me and I no longer have to leave the chat room every once in awhile.

Jealousy sucks and I hate it... and it just makes me bloody depressed when I realize I'm jealous =\ Sigh.

I hope one of my "be more social" projects gets off the ground (there's 3 now!!!). I think that'll make the bouts of jealously and depression a lot less frequent :)

Edit: Hey! Ranting about this made me feel loads better! And I'm back in IRC again. So yeah, I guess I was right in my first paragraph =D
dragon, little boy blue, announcement

BAH! I hate summer.

BUGLE! STOP BEING DEPRESSED! SERIOUSLY MAN! IT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU, SO STOP! SERIOUSLY! WHAT'S TO BE DEPRESSED ABOUT ANYWAY? THERE'S NO GOOD REASON FOR IT! JUST SHAPE UP MAN!

...I think... I think the summer does something that makes me depressed. Seriously. Maybe something in the air? Or something. But it's usually in the summer where I just get... depressed for no good reason. Sigh. I've heard of something like seasonal depression, maybe I have that? Never thought of that before, but the lousy trend seems indicitive that I do...

So, um, if I get depressed, uh.... I dunno. I guess... try to cheer me up? Or is that being selfish? Or attention whorish? Meh... I dunno.

I AM fighting this depression, like I said, but sometimes (a lot lately, actually) it's harder to fight and I lose (like right now). You know, this would explain a lot of the reason why I hate summer vacation... Meh. I need to find someway to distract myself.

What's making it ESPECIALLY difficult this year is the lack of a best friend, since I've disowned Mist in that position. Summers used to be full of us calling one or the other when we got really bored and needed someone to talk to. I do not have the ability to do this anymore, and it sucks... I suppose I COULD call him, but it wouldn't be as heartfelt... Meh. Hopefully my "be more social" ventures will put an end to some of this depression. If not... well, I guess the next two months are going to suck -_-

Maybe I should take Guin up on his offer to play Rose Online... I've been kind of hesitant because of FlyFF, though. While I'm getting sick of it and haven't played it since tuesday... I don't want to just abandon it. It's been useful for me to experience. I can't really explain why, but it's definitely been useful. Also, I don't want to abandon it because I don't want to abandon Chibi (not that he's played it since Tuesday either). Sigh... I think I'll wait a bit longer for RoseOnline and wee what happens with FlyFF. And if nothing happens... I'll try Rose, I guess. Shrug.

Summer sucks.

Edit: There's this thing called REVERSE Seasonal Affective Disorder, and it looks like I have that. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is more or less people in the winter being depressed for no reason. RSAD is the same only in the summer and is much rarer. After searching Wikipedia and a few other sites... looks like I may have it. So I'ma see a doctor about it. GOOD IDEA, NO?!? Maybe this will help. I really hope so.
dragon, little boy blue, announcement

I can't think of an appropriate title. Maybe just "rant"...?

This post was not originally going to be this post. It was originally going to summerize a few things that have happened to me recently, like how I'm playing FFIX for the third time ever and how I've missed like half the game. It was also going to be an apology to those of you who read the previous post and then went "right... back... uh-huh" since I didn't come back completely. I did rejoin irc, but only zirc, so yeah, not everyone noticed my return. I do, however, intend to finish my "reintegration into society" soon... perhaps tomorrow. This post was originally going to be about all those things in more detail, but instead, you get this summary in its place. In the intended post's place is this post, which is, suffice to say, not nearly as pleasant.

Ranting ensuesCollapse )
dragon, little boy blue, announcement

BEHOLD! The monster post!

That's right, monster post. This is 18.33 pages long, 11,007 words long (counting the “lj-cut text” stuff, so it won’t come out exact if you just copy/paste), a whopping 45,958 characters long (not counting spaces. 57,714 counting them!), 125 paragraphs, and a mighty 842 lines! All these figures count these opening couple of paragraphs as well.

The point of this monster post is to highlight nifty events from up to 3 months or more ago. So, yeah. MONSTER post. It really should have been posted a log time ago, but it wasn’t, so I’m correcting that. In almost 19 pages. Woah! Anyway, let’s get started.

Meeting Haplo and Fusi =OCollapse )

OkageCollapse )

X-mas swag.Collapse )

California success and failure.Collapse )

World of WarcraftCollapse )

Battleforge Games.Collapse )

Violinist of HamelinCollapse )

SoraCollapse )

And…. That’s it! And I was right. I didn’t make it to page 20. This is the very beginning of 19 right here. Oh well. Hope you enjoyed those EIGHTEEN PAGES OF RECAPPING. This took me awhile to write. Over a week, since I kept doing other things in between. Thank you for your patience, especially if you read the whole thing. That’s it. Til next time.

-A very tired from writing Bugle.
dragon, little boy blue, announcement

Something that bugs me...

Ever notice how in fiction that when bad guy needs something from good guy, good guy goes "I'll never help you! Do whatever you will to me" then Bad guy goes, "Oh? But I have no intention of hurting you, good guy, However, goodguy's signifficant other may be more cooperative," That the good guy always goes "Okay, I'll cooperate..."? How come none of them ever resist regardless? EVER? Sure, most of them would, it's human nature to care for loved ones, right? Still, I'd imagine at least one or two would still refuse. They'd realize that, for the greater good, their loved one must be sacrificed, as much as good guy hates the idea. I'd think at least SOMEONE would do that! How come it never happens? Seriously =\

Anyway, um, I haven't worked anymore of Fire, Earth, and Storm, yet. Because I'm a lazy ffailure >_> Still... I think I know how to finish the prologue and where to start off with the story. No idea where I'm ending up, though.