Tags: i can do this

dragon, little boy blue, announcement

The worthless A (or... dectuple or nothing)

So, like I said, I was thinking about talking to my prof about the whole Bioware bit. And, well, I decided to ask the teacher in the class before his for advice on how to ask, and got some decent advice: don't ask for a job flat out, show interest and ask what's necessary to get one and see what he says. I decided that this should be done wednesday, after he's seen more of my stuff.

Course, my plans changed a bit as soon as the Prof came in and said something along the lines of "you know, I'm surprised you guys are only striving to succeed, not excel. I mean, one of the top people in a major company like Bioware is right here, and none of you (or any of my formal students) have been awesome enough to warrant a letter of recommendation from me." Granted, he said it a little (though only a little) more diplomatic than that.

So... I decided to ask him after class if even -I- had no shot, and he said "we'll see how your final project is. But you'll need to demonstrate that you understand everything we've learned so far." I took this to mean "what I've seen of your final project is a start, but you better work your ass off if you want to get anything more meaningful than an A"

Which... is essentially useless. An A will be just as good as a C in a a couple semesters and I graduate, you know? It's not like people who hire care about grades... especially in something only so many game companies will use! So... this basically means that this final is my full time job. It NEEDS to be AMAZING, or it may as well be CRAP.

I'd love to show you guys what I have, but all the c/ving will be a huge time sink. So... I'll probably do it later today or tomorrow. Or, if any of you have NWN, I cold just send the module out to ya and you could look it over that way. Course, that would require effort on your part to look it all over and junk. Though not much more so than if I C/V it to word and LJ.

Anyway... that's where I am. A state of OMG GEEZ, DAMNIT FRUSK. A so close yet so far scenario that could seriously help shape my life. I know I'm close enough to have a chance... but I don't know what exactly he's looking for as "amazing." But I'm going to try. Oh man, am I gonna try.

I am so freaking scared of failure right now. You have no idea.
dragon, little boy blue, announcement

Experiment

Today...

Today I am going to try an experiment.

I am going to get myself as depressed as I can. Perhaps spend the next hour or so doing it. No longer than an hour 46. I'm going to force myself into it. Not let myself escape. I am going to be as depressed as I can possibly get in that time frame. And then...

And the I'm going to push myself. I'm going to work. For an hour. Perhaps longer. Perhaps longer than that, even. I'm going to work as long as I can. Until I can't work anymore.

Then I'm going to stop.

And then...?

Well, and then I'm done. Life continues. The next objective will be made and sought after.

And that too... will be met.
dragon, little boy blue, announcement

...Huh!

So...

A while ago (about an hour) something very minor happened.

Very minor. Doesn't concern me at all and the person it does concern became happier.

However... I didn't like what he did and considered it a mild form of dishonesty. Very minor, as said, and could just as easily be considered not dishonest.

However, for some reason, it really bugged me.

Really, REALLY bugged me.

And for the last hour I've been going mad trying to figure out why it bothers me so much! I know it's a very minor thing, it doesn't hurt anyone, it doesn't concern me, and, really, why should I care?

Despite knowing all that, it still bugged me. Which, of course, bugged me more.

Just a moment ago, I realised I had entered uber depressed mode. Then, after thinking about it, I discovered something odd...

I wasn't depressed because of this thing bothering me... This thing was bothering me because I was depressed!

Odd, huh?

My theory is that I entered the depression at about the same time this thing happened, and I was subconciously associating the problem with the depression, and assigning it the blame for my depression.

This revelation has not completely eradicated my bad mood, but it HAS alieviated the guilt of feeling bad over a minor thing! Nor do I feel bad about that thing anymore. Sadly, the depression continues, but hopefully that will pass when I wake up.
dragon, little boy blue, announcement

I have stuff to say

And not the means to say them yet. Or rather, I don't feel quite up to saying them. Still, I SHOULD, so I'm going to keep reminding myself until I do.

IN OTHER NEWS! Yesterday was the first day since I first suspected I have RSAD that I wasn't depressed AT ALL! GO ME! Let's hope for 2 days in a row =D
dragon, little boy blue, announcement

I'm in a good mood still.

So, funny thing happened to me. I was thinking, minding my own business, when I was approached by Bugle! Hmm? Oh! Yeah, sorry, I mean the Bugle who lives in my head who's name I'm borrowing (long story). Anyway, i was just in my head thinking when Bugle said "Hey Luke. I have something to show ya."

So I wandered over and asked him what was up. He showed me a contract that read thusly:click me:Collapse )

I was surprised! I didn't expect this at all. I read it twice. Then I looked at Bugle who said "you don't have to sign if you don't want to. I just thought it would help motivate you."

I signed it.

So... there you go. I hope it works.

IN OTHER NEWS! Guin and I watched Bridge to Terabithia. He loved it :)

Also, we're gonna try playing Rose Online tomorrow. I hope this helps me as much I hope it will.

I still need to post the thing I was going to talk about yesterday...
kitty, pretty, happy

Sigh... Sometimes I just suck at handling things...

I figure it's better to talk about this than just let it build up... And that's one thing that my LJ is for anyway, right? Ranting to no one in particular. It's not like anyone's forced to read this.

I am depressed. I'm depressed because I'm angry. I'm angry because I'm jealous... Sigh. I hate depression...

So, lately, what I've wanted to do mostly is talk. Just... talk to people I know and enjoy conversation. The RTSing was done between talking or when I felt like it, but mostly, I wanted to talk. For the most part, I've been able to do this, though, sometimes, I haven't, which adds to my depress-o-meter.

Now, I have Four main ways to converse: Real life, AIM, WoW, and IRC. Real life I don't talk to people a lot in since I'm an introvert and really am only social on Friday (and haven't been for the last 3 weeks for various reasons). AIM is kind of... suckish for me since most of the people on my buddy list are people I don't talk to often (or at all). Really, the two main people I talk to on AIM are Chibi and Guin. Chibi and I sometimes talk on AIM when no one else is on or we're talking about stuff that doesn't concern others (such as FlyFF or what not), but we usually talk in IRC. Guin and I talk on AIM when one of us has something to say to the other (or GUin is just checking up on me), but we rarely have prolonged conversations unless I'm depressed and just need someone to talk to. This is because Guin often has other things he's doing (I wish I could multi task like he can >_> Or Chibi can for that matter.) and I rarely have anything interesting to say, so the conversation just kind of dies shortly after it begins. WoW I'm taking a break from, so nothing to say there.

That leaves IRC. Now, I've only really been in 6 chat rooms (exlcuding one where I first learned to use IRC that I'm not counting). One of which I never felt comfortable in, one of which is either gone or simply not used any more, one of which is for a community that's kind of dead now and I haven't been in for awhile, one of which I don't enjoy being in anymore, one of which is mostly silent, and the one I'm most active in. Of course, sometimes, this room isn't fun for me to be in as the other denizens are all apart of a game I'm not a part of and talk about the game in there often. Yes, this still bugs me, though I'm definately handling it much better than I have been. Instead of just being frustrated, I try to be supportive and stuff when I get the opportunity, but the fact remains I'm still left out of the main discussion. Sometimes I try to attention whore my way in (I won't deny it! I am aware I'm an attention whore, though I do think I'm getting better at detecting it and avoiding it), and sometimes I just mention things that I think they might find interesting that I don't think is being attention whorey (I may be wrong, it's hard to determine your own motives sometimes). Today I think I was doing the attention whore bit as I kept mentioning the DM thing and that I was writing and had creative flood and OH MY GOOD LOOK AT ME I'M BEING CREATIVE >_> Yeah, like I said, I'm not always good about it.

Anyway, today, the three have been doing a lot of RS stuff and, well, like I said, it bugs me a bit. While I was writing, though, it wasn't bugging me too much as I was preoccupied, but the flood has subsided and now I'm feeling creatively DRAINED, so the RS stuff kind of just really got to me and I got jealous (NOT IN CHANNEL! No... I managed to restrain myself since I wasn't that jealous =\ I think). Now, I think I've determined the thing in the universe I hate the most, which is me being jealous. I hate it. I hate being jealous A LOT. So I got angry. And yeah, I got angry at IRC. FORTUNATELY, I was rational enough to not blow up in there again (I hate blowing up too, by the way =\) and I just minimized IRC so I don't have too look at it. But now I'm depressed because I'm not doing anything productive or talking to anyone or anything.

Sigh, I hate this... I want it to be Tuesday already since I want to KNOW about the RSAD thing. Do I have it? DO I not? Can it be fixed? I want to know!

ANYWAY! Going back to IRC, I think that, despite RS being a huge source of jealousy in me, I don't want the talk to stop until they're ready to stop (I'm speaking both long term and short term). I think that it's a good experience for me to deal with since I'm really not all that great at dealing with jealousy and this is good practice, you know? And I think I'm actually handling it well most of the time. Sure, there will be times when I can't handle it, like today, but I still think that for the most part, it's a good experience for me. I'm looking forward to the day when the RS talk does NOT bother me and I no longer have to leave the chat room every once in awhile.

Jealousy sucks and I hate it... and it just makes me bloody depressed when I realize I'm jealous =\ Sigh.

I hope one of my "be more social" projects gets off the ground (there's 3 now!!!). I think that'll make the bouts of jealously and depression a lot less frequent :)

Edit: Hey! Ranting about this made me feel loads better! And I'm back in IRC again. So yeah, I guess I was right in my first paragraph =D
dragon, little boy blue, announcement

I want to run.

I want to run away.

I want to run far.

I want to leave.

I want it all to end.

I want this time to pass.

I want to run.

So there you go. Very bad poem. But yeah... I want to just run away from all this. I simply do not like the person I am in the summer. At all. I just want to run away from myself. And I keep getting these negative thoughts. I keep thinking things like "He doesn't want to be with me anymore..." or "They don't care what I say, why do I bother?" or "I must be useless... no one wants to talk to me." Seriously... I keep thinking these things, and, well, I don't like it. I don't like it at all. So I want to run from it all.

But... the same voice that's prompting these thoughts? Yeah, I think it's the same one telling me to run. "Leave IRC, you aren't contributing, you're just bein an attention whore." "Stop talking to people, they wouldn't care if you left anyway." "Go away. Do something else. Your depression is making you act differently so they don't want you around." These thoughts are also appearing. And I want so much to listen to them.

But I won't.

That would be running away from the problem, not trying to fix it, now wouldn't it? Running away won't solve anything. I learned that from comics and anime, really. Everytime someone runs away, the problem just gets worse.

I already left once, and I think that was good for me. That one time. Will the next time be too? Possibly. But it will also be bad. I'll grow dependent on my time off, perhaps always be gone. From some places... I am always gone. And I won't go back either... because I ran away and made things worse.

And I've been thinking about it, and I think I'm REAL special. I think I'm one of the even rarer people who has RSAD AND SAD. Yeah... fun times. I've noticed that I usually want to run away from things in the summer or winter, and I usually do. I need to stop. I can't run, I have to face it.

No more running. No more hiding. From now on, I fight.